|
Question for parents that used Meth...
upagainst
thewall |
Question for the
parents that used Meth...
I want to ask a couple of questions about your use and the
effect on your child / children and if it is offensive to
anyone I apologize ahead of time and you can quit reading now.
Most of you know my story, and I belong to a Grandparent's
raising Grandchildren site. Recently a new member wrote about
the parents of her grandchildren being both alcoholic and meth
addicts. She told of trashy house, fighting, throwing things,
children being neglected etc....
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
From personal experience I know my daughter has said that she
didn't see herself being the way she was. She did 't see herself
screaming and cursing the boys. She said she didn't realize the
long term affects her using had on them.
I am becoming an advocate for the children, sorry if that
bothers anyone. Someone has to speak for the voiceless innocent
victims. |
Replies... |
imlostinky |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
Quote:
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like
you were doing a good job?
When I was using, Yes. I felt I was a
better parent because my house wasn't trashy, it was clean,
I wasn't screaming at the kids, I thought I was better on meth.
I wrestle now sometimes with that thinking because my house
isn't spotless, I do have times when I scream at the kids,and I
stay tired most days.
Only every once in awhile- because then I take myself back to
one fact-
One key difference.
I don't remember that year of use - I don't remember moments
with my kids- I don't even have a real memory of my son's first
birthday- Christmas- anything.
I remember everything now. I feel those memories. They aren't
just on photo paper added into my mind - I feel them.
So my house can just stay unspotless and it's okay if I am tired
- I am tired because I lived this day.
and I do try very very very hard not to yell- to step back when
I am feeling frustrated, stressed, to stop and think before I
speak.
so no I don't yell often at all.
and I am doing better.
Quote:
2) Did you see your parent(s) as
meddlers?
N/A - I had nobody to meddle.
My husband was using, I was using, my sister was using- that's
my family.
Quote:
3) Did you think you were harming the
kids (in any way)?
Not at the time no-
Now yes. I was physically there but I was so emotionally absent.
I was such sh!t........... such sh!t.
Quote:
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No but they should have.
They did not need nor deserve to be there. I was not a good
mother, our home was not a safe place.
I should have lost them.
Quote:
5) Do you resent the person(s) that
advocated for the child(ren)?
I kick my a** quite often for not being
their advocate- for not standing up for them- for not being the
mom they needed.
No one should be a bigger voice for my children than ME!
No one.
That is my first priority- my first responsibility.
That is my JOB!
When I got f-ked up, they lost their only voice.
Resentment? No - what I feel for me at that time is disgust.
That I ever allowed a drug to take me from the ones that needed
me most.
Such sh!t. |
upagainst
thewall |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
A great big thank you. I should have known you would be first to
respond I so admire you for getting and keeping it together. A
long long road but so worth the journey. |
Saved
inillinois |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
I thought I was an AWESOME parent when I was
using. Most of the parents in my town dumped their kids off on
people and ran the town for days using. I used my drugs at home
and never left the house, therefore I was a great parent. (My
logic)
The night that my son's father left me was horrible. The cops
came because of us fighting and I decided to move out. I had an
officer tell me that I was right to leave the house because it
was within days of getting raided. If it had, my son would have
been taken.
I still struggle with the guilt of using with my son around. I
don't remember things other moms do. Like when my son first
talked, I couldn't tell you how old he was. Or when he was potty
trained, I don't know. From the time he was 3 months old, to 3
years old, I was messed up. What a dumbass. I wasted so much
time that I'll never get back.
Ok, well hope this helps. |
upagainst
thewall |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
I can almost hear the hurt in your words. I
always try to look at both sides of the coin. You will forever
live with the fact that you missed out on your child's first's,
but will know in your heart that you wised up just in time to
save him/her.
I want you to know I don't ask these questions to purposely hurt
anyone, I am just so curious. Sometimes to nosy for my own good.
LOL |
Sfj |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were
doing a good job?
Yes. But I have to ask another question in return. Good compared
to what?
Good compared to the way I was raised? Yes. Absolutely. My
father never did anything with me. Never had a kind or
encouraging word. I was the opposite with my kids. My father was
an alcoholic and threw me out of his home when I was a teenager.
I didn’t want to be like him so when I had kids, I spent all my
fun time with my kids playing ball, camping etc. But I could
have done a better job. I think there is no parent who is
perfect and every one of us could have done a better job.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
No. Basically, my parents had nothing to do with me or my
family, wife and kids, after I left home as a teenager. I
learned life the hard way, but I learned. I never asked or
expected any support or love from my parents after I left home.
I had nothing so I ran away to San Francisco to be a hippie in
the late sixties. I’ve been here ever since. Consequently my
parents never meddled.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
Not really, but again, how do you define “harm?” I loved them, I
took them to church every Sunday, school every weekday, and
supported them and paid the bills. I never physically hurt them
and I tried to always praise and encourage them. I still do. I
could have done better. I could have been a non-addict and then
I would have been a better person. But I did the best I could
since I was dealing with things the way they were. I’d like to
have lived in a perfect, ideal, fairy-tale world, but that
wasn’t reality.
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
NO
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I advocated for my children. Do I resent myself? Yes. Sometimes
I do.
But they love me very much and I feel the same about them. Two
of the five, still live with me today.
My
Addiction and Recovery |
upagainst
thewall |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
SFJ
Wow a man's opinion... THANK YOU.
# 3 Much admiration for handling an addiction and children at
the same time. Sounds like perhaps you are a rarity. Not many
men (I'm going to get flack over this, I feel it) even make time
with their kids. They are too Busy trying to get ahead of
whatever they think they need to get ahead of. Keeping up with
the Jones's when the Brown's live quite comfortably.
I too was raised in an alcoholic, abusive home and vowed never
to let anything come between my children and me. Nothing did.
Except my daughter's addiction. |
Sfj |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
May I repeat something I often say?
" Meth addiction does not discriminate, - rich or poor, urban or
rural, young or old, male or female, black or white or grey,
ignorant or educated, gay or straight, or family heritage."
There are plenty of normal-looking, professional people,
families, and main-stream citizens who can get caught up in the
sinister grip of drug addiction. Drug addiction is common among
medical professionals. I know personally, five lawyers, one was
an extremely high-profile attorney for the City of San
Francisco, who became meth addicts.
I know a physician who was an Emergency Room Surgeon in Los
Angeles, a speed freak. Housewives, construction workers, school
teachers, ministers, plumbers, bus drivers, the list goes on.
And yes, even parents. |
upagainst
thewall |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
I so realize that.
Back in the early part of the 80's, I kept 2 little girls whose
parents both went to rehab for crack addiction I had them for 45
days. Before the lost everything they had a beautiful 4 BR
house, very nicely furnished. They lost almost all to their
addiction. When they were released they moved to Houston where
they were both from. I don't know how they did they did not stay
in touch.
Then in 91 or so I kept a boy whose mom stabbed her sister while
under the influence of crack. I had him almost 3 years. When I
moved to the country, he went to stay with a boy from his
church. He called me a couple of times after we moved, but I
lost touch with him too.
So I very well know addiction of any kind does not discriminate.
I did not think about it then like I think about it now.
I often wonder what the kids thought about staying with almost
strangers while their parents were gone. The girls were little
ones 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 but the boy was 11. To know that your mom
stabbed your aunt. |
vctry7 |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were
doing a good job? At first, yes. Then when I started to realize
what a horrible mother I was, I just tried to stay high all the
time. I sort of lost touch with reality.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers? Yes. I thought they
sucked rasising us so they didn't have any right to say anything
about me.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)? Not at
first. I thought they were well taken care of. Only after I quit
did I realize how bad things really were and how much damage had
been done.
4) Did your kids get taken from you? No, but they should have. I
wish someone had turned us in. I am still angry at non addicted
family member that only sat around and talked. I could never
ever let my grandkids go through that. I wouldn't hesitate to
turn my own kids in , in that situation. There is worse things
than an adult sitting in jail.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
No. Nobody ever advocated for my kids, just sat around and
talked about us. |
chrisgonz |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were
doing a good job?
I kept my kids away from other users
and my kids never saw me use. They saw me smoke pot, but never
the dope. In my mind, pot was okay. I come from a family of
users and dealers. Grandpa was a dealer on my dad's side as well
as a career criminal. I did a better job raising my kids then my
generations past.
I am the first person in our family to have graduates and
college students. I am also the first one in my family whose
kids have never been locked up. I'm the first person in my
family whose kids have not indulged in dope. Both tried pot, my
son quit and my daughter didn't like it.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
My dad was a great support, never
meddled but was there for me whenever I called or asked for
help. He was tough about his rules and I simply followed them or
stayed away. I followed them because I loved his honestly. He
ran with dope for 15 years, quit and ran his own construction
company until he couldn't. I forbade my mother to even baby-sit.
She tried to get involved at times but I kept her away with
tooth and nail.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
NO... and IF anyone so much as looked
at my kids weird, I'd eliminate them, no questions asked. Even
if others said I was wrong. I even kept dad in check. Even as an
addict, my kids came first. I hustled my azz off for my dope and
NEVER took from our home. We always had food, beds, electricity,
everything. We still have those things, only now I see how much
more I could have done. I never hit my kids as a form of
punishment- once when my eldest was a teen, I took her down, but
I never hit her. I yelled a lot, because I thought yelling
was effective. It wasn't, and luckily I realized that in 92
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
My kids ended up in a foster home once
when I was in the hospital, not dope related. I was threatened
once that I would loose my kids... that's when I cleaned up.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
NO... on the end
of my run, I lost control. I was in legal trouble, small stuff..
but I hadn't been in jail since I had taken my eldest home from
the hospital. Before that everything was assaults, in the end,
my charges were driving related, fake tags... spent the money on
dope, no insurance... spent that on dope too. Friend had a rig
on her and laid it under my floor mat... that's the court thing
I still need to face.
No, if whoever turned in me hadn't done it, I would have lost
everything that mattered. My children, my soul, my life. I think
my daughter's teacher turned me in. I was working for the school
district, (yea-strung out-I did a lot of stuff strung-out), and
I went in high one day, the weather started getting warm and I
was still wearing long sleeves. I'd lost it. Thank God they
clued in. I'd never gotten high right before going to work. I
used to bathe first and everything to get the stink off me, wore
clothes that were clean and fit, tried my darndest to NOT look
like an addict... until the end.
GOOD POST!!
I just reread that and boy did it reinforce stuff for me.
Thanks!! |
nineyears
clean |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
Quote:
I am becoming an advocate for the
children, sorry if that bothers anyone. Someone has to speak
for the voiceless innocent victims.
I know it most
certainly does not offend me! The children are innocent victims
in their parents' demise, and someone should speak, no shout
from the mountaintops, for them. Good for you!!
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were doing a good job?
I suppose I thought I was doing a
remarkable job in the early years of my 13 year run. In fact, I
was super mom, super wife, super employee, super, super, super!!
Even when my addiction began to take over my life completely, I
suppose I thought I was doing okay, because I never fully
realized how sick I was until I got well. For me, staying clean
was made extremely difficult once I began to see clearly the
damage I did to my life, and thereby, the lives of my children.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
My family lived 600 miles away the
entire time I used, so the answer would be no. My husband's
parents turned a blind eye to everything their sons, and their
wives, did. Their boys were perfect.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
Did I think so then? No, probably not.
Do I KNOW SO now, beyond a shadow of a doubt. Never physically,
but I was never physically abused either, yet still, the
emotional abuse I endured damaged me from a very young age.
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No. My own son was with me from the
moment he was conceived until just before he turned 18. My step
son, who I raised from ages 1 to 13 years, left to live with his
birth mom one year before I got clean, by their own choice.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
Not applicable in my situation.
I want to say that my son, who will be
28 in August, is probably one of the most forgiving and loving
people I have ever known in my life.
I called him the day I left town to get clean and told him that
I was a drug addict and needed help, but that I was turned away
by inpatient rehab for insurance reasons. I told him I had to
leave and I didn't know where I was going, but that I'd call him
when I got there. He was almost 19 years old at the time. He
told me he loved me and to do what I had to do to get myself
together.
After 3 months clean, which I did in another state by going to
NA meetings every day, all day, I went back home to face the
consequences of my addiction, one of which was an eventual 11
count felony indictment. Telling my son about this was harder
than telling him about the dope.
I remember I drove to the bay area to tell him in person, and to
let him see how much healthier I looked and was. We were sitting
on the ledge of a beautiful fountain, and I sobbed in shame as I
admitted my wrong doings, and he held me and rocked me and told
me how proud he was of me.
He said he had known for a long time about the dope, but he
didn't know how bad it was, or what it was. But he knew
something was wrong with his mom.
He has been a continual source of love and support for the past
10 years, and I don't know what I ever did to deserve him. He is
a wonderful father to his own son now, and probably will be a
better parent for having had me as his mom (and I don't mean
that to discredit myself).
I think most kids who grow up in that environment don't do as
well as he did. I will say, however, that my house wasn't a dope
house; in other words, tweakers didn't come to my house, I went
to theirs. I was spun for 13 years, but it wasn't like a lot of
tweakers houses where people come and go at all hours of the
night, etc., etc.
Anyway, hope that helps you. |
Tender
heartsKS |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
1) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were
doing a good job?
Deep down inside, I never did feel like I was doing a good job.
There was always a tremendous sense of guilt, and once I
discovered the world of meth and went back to using the needle
(had done heroin IV 7 years before discovering meth, but didn't
stick with that for long), I had no doubt I was the lowest form
of scum on the earth. Yet I got a perverse pleasure out of being
a 'junkie', one of those who dared to use drugs IV. I was pretty
much screaming 'f*ck you' to the world I hated so much.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
I had periods of time where my parents and I clashed so badly
that my mother wouldn't talk to me 6 months at a time. I was
defensive and hostile, but underneath all of that was the guilt
and shame of what I had become.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
I tried really hard not to think about that. I tried to block
any thoughts like that from my mind. My use had profound and
lasting negative effects on my oldest daughter (my youngest was
born when I was 2 years clean).
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No, although my ex did try to get custody of his daughter (my
oldest girl) and I won in court. How, I don't know. Damned good
lawyer I guess. My parents paid for that. I don't remember much
of that time period on my life.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I wish someone would have advocated for my daughter, I was an
unfit mother, but that is a moot point now. What is done is
done, and all I can do today is stay clean/sober one day at a
time, and be the best mom that I can be. |
nineyears
clean |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
Quote:
What is done is done, and all I can
do today is stay clean/sober one day at a time,
And everything else seems to fall into place,
EVENTUALLY...to all of you who still struggle after six months
or a year, or ten days.
Everyone is different. Life works when you work at it, just like
any other program in the world. EVENTUAL change, progress, not
perfection, life on life's TERMS.
Just do it. |
Free
OnKci |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
1. yes I did..
2. I saw anybody that threatened my using as meddlers not just
my parents...My dad just stayed away he didn't really get
involved...My dad is the type who says you got yourself there
you deal with it. But he gave me the tuff love that I needed...
3. I never dreamed that I was harming my children in my mind I
was a good mother and provider...not realizing what I was truly
doing to any of them...
4. My 3 child was born with meth in her system the welfare had
her tested when she was born because they had a call that I was
using while pregnant my other two children were not put into
foster care but I was not allowed to leave their grandmothers
house with them if I did they were going into the system also...
5. At first I did but now today I have thanked them and the
welfare and the court for making me open my eyes to reality...I
destroyed so much in my path of destruction I just did not see
it. I am so thankful that someone did call cuz I would probably
be dead today if they wouldn't have and all my kids would be
left without a mother...
I have been out of the welfare system totally since dec.8-05 and
it is great. I can not make up the time that I lost I can only
look at today and today I am doing my best to gain my kids trust
and love back...by staying clean...today I can go to the park
with them and not have to go to the car to get high or to the
bath room. I don't stay locked in my bedroom my bedroom door is
always open now...I go to school events now things like that I
never done that before unless I had to...I still today have
guilt for what I did but I have come to terms with it and
accepted it for what it is and that is the past... |
Penel0pe |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
) Did you, as a parent, feel like you were
doing a good job?
Yes, I think I DID do a good job...for a while. Eventually,
I walked out on my whole family, including my kids. So,
regardless of the good I did at one time, the selfishness of
addiction screwed that up in the long run. Somehow, my kids have
turned out to be great people. They have both used drugs (They
are 17 and 20.) We talk about it openly today. They never saw me
use until my daughter was 17 - she saw me smoking pot openly. I
never did anything else in front of them - I was locked in my
room doing it instead. I might as well have used in front of
them instead of being a parent through a locked door.
2) Did you see your parent(s) as meddlers?
Briefly - when they confronted me on my shyt. I knew I was
wrong when they confronted me - but the dope did all my talking
for me. I thought I was pretty f-ing smart, too.
3) Did you think you were harming the kids (in any way)?
The guilt of walking out on my family haunts me since the
day I stepped out the door. At first I felt sorry for myself.
Today, I talk to the kids very openly about that time and they
are very aware that they were, in fact, better off without me at
the time. Today the pain I feel is for them - even though they
tell me "It's OK, Mom." I had them weekends and summertime - but
not there for school events, report cards, open house, or Trick
Or treat for more than a year. I hate myself for it, and oddly,
they do not hate me. I am so grateful for that. (For the record,
my daughter moved in with me for several years before my son
came here to live - he wanted to stay with his dad, another
addict. He came here the moment I popped my head out of my own
arse and got clean.)
4) Did your kids get taken from you?
No. I was taken from them when I chose the "Lifestyle" over
my own flesh and blood.
5) Do you resent the person(s) that advocated for the child(ren)?
I am grateful to anyone who has been there for my kids when
I was not - including their father - he IS an addict - but he
didn't walk out. I did. He loves them and harmed them by
omission - by NOT acting when he should have. I harmed them by
being essentially absent for more than a year.
Today, my kids have come out the other side to become really
great people. I'd like to think I had SOMETHING to do with that.
They grew up in a subculture of bikers and parties, live bands
in the garage every week, and with parents and step parents ALL
of whom are addicts. Both of my kids have experimented with
drugs and have talked to me AT LENGTH about how it worked for
them.
My daughter doesn't like any of it - she's 20 and done with it.
My son smokes pot. He is 17. He scares the hell out of me,
because I see myself in him so much. If he grows up and becomes
me, I hope he will realize that his mother IS HERE NOW, and how
much I regret the time I lost with him that I can NEVER, EVER
GET BACK. I also hope he knows that if he DOES become "Me," he
has choices and isn't doomed to be "Me" for the rest of his
life.
To the addicts here who are still using - if you have kids, I
promise you this.
There is no regret quite like the realization that you have LOST
time with your children that CANNOT be refunded, EVER.
you get ONE chance to do it right. Don't blow yours like I did.
My daughter was just 18 when I got clean, and my son was almost
15.
Do the math. I'll never get those years back, I never get to do
it over again.
I am so grateful that somehow my kids have managed to become the
people they are today - my son smokes pot, yes, but he has goals
and is a good kid. He doesn't get in trouble, he calls me and
lets me know where he is, and is in an accelerated program at
school which will allow him to graduate soon. He is a musician.
My daughter was a student ambassador in the 11th grade and
traveled to England, Ireland, and Wales for 3 weeks as an
"American Student Representative." She passed her exit exams as
a freshman and took the GED after she came home from Europe. She
is an artist.
I am SO proud of my kids. They are both ... "Alternative" types
- not exactly "Traditional" people. But they are good people,
independent people, and talented people.
I thank God every day for them. |
upagainst
thewall |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
THANK YOU EVERYONE WHO REPLIED.
You are all great. I keep a lot of things in my journals.
Believe me I could probably start a library with the volumes of
spirals I have. But they don't respond. So I come on to get
perspective to issues and to try to understand. For you who took
the time to reply and I thank you. |
imlostinky |
Re: Question for the
parents that used Meth...
Quote:
There is no regret quite like the
realization that you have LOST time with your children that
CANNOT be refunded, EVER.
No there isn't. That one hurts. Really
hurts.
one chance to have those memories match.
That is all you get. |
See also:
What are effects in children when parents use meth?
Smoking meth - what effect on children?
Effects of meth around small children, esp. skin problems?
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